Cuba Gooding Junior

Show me the money. Yeah, baby. I'm with ya' -- that's all it's ever about. Who needs standards when you have money.

Which is why I am sad the Panthers are losing.

It means less bodies in seats and that means less people seeing my advertising in my building. And it's all about me. I'm jealous of my brother Brett. So I must amass more money than he does. It's a contest. Contests are perfectly healthy outlets for aggression.  You know what else contests have? SPONSORS!

Seriously, tell me, it's not just me is it? I mean when you see the word "sponsor" or "advertising" don't you have a little orgasmic quiver inside your underpants? I can't be the only one. Can I?

Next season for $1000 you can have your name tattooed on the butt-cheek of any of our lovely ice dancers.  We do have standards and no profanity or sexual innuendo is allowed. If you buy both cheeks on the same dancer, you get a 10% discount on the second cheek. $1900 for two. CA$H only.

We also have some exciting news regarding the mascots. Remington firearms is having a shooting contest at one of the games at intermission using live ammunition. Along those lines, we're auditioning for a new mini-Stanley mascot for next season.

Also to those of you who renewed and were promised tickets to the John-Joel Face-To-Face tour later this year when it appears at the BankAtlantic center just as I promised, I want to reassure you that Billy Joel had no idea what he was talking about when he said they were not touring for the remainder of the year.  Rolling Stone magazine doesn't know shit either. They're just doing this to make me, Michael Yormark, look bad. Would you rather believe Joel or me? I thought so. Thanks for your support.

Den of Honor

I've outdone myself. I've created the den of honor. It was all my idea. Screw the people who actually did it. It's my idea and I'll just steal the credit if I can't get it. It might have been Alice's idea but we all know I bodyslammed that bitch into oblivion.

Right now we don't have much advertising except for ADT, but I promise you all the beautiful blue blank space you see will be covered with advertising, glorious, orgasm-inducing advertising.

You know, I really should look at my future plans. One day someone will actually correllate my arrival to the Panthers organization to the downfall of the team. People tell me I am a cancer on the team, but I'm proud of it because the goal is to make money. That's what I do. Who cares if everything else gets destroyed in the process. It's all about me. And money.

I hope my pink slip comes on a sheet of paper that has advertising on the other side. It's only fitting.

PS: I don't think I like Twitter much. I can't advertise in such a small face. But more people follow me on Twitter than on this blog. 

Please follow me (the blog, twitter, live.com) and help inflate my ego even bigger than it already is.

I'm back from my Hiatus

Fake Steve Jobs and I, Fake Michael Yormark, are about get into a pissing match. One of my favorite words is "monetize" because I have monetized everything I can: from urinals, to walls, to the right ass-cheeks of all my slaves staff. I don't give a shit that Google is switching to Macs, but they are. FSJ mentions it in today's post, and it is a true story unlike half the crap he posts.

It's this quote of his I take exception to: "Google gives you the same stuff and all they ask for is, um, permission to totally invade your privacy and to monetize (God I hate that word) your personal information." How the fuck can you hate that word? I live to monetize. I dream about money, and if I could I'd have sex with money. That's how much I love it. You might want to wash any money I give you especially carefully now that I think of it.

My Twentieth Post

Twenty is a good number because it represents the $20 bill and everyone loves money, especially Fake Michael Yormark.

I wish to remind everyone to visit my profile on Windows Live and suggest books, films, music, and anything else about money for my 'favorite things' section. I am a money grubbing fool and anything you can do to help me is appreciated. I will accept friend requests from anyone, even $pammers because it's all about the money!

I heard some fan bitching at the last game. Okay, I heard lots of fans bitching, but I don't care if they're happy or not. I've already got their money if they're in my our building. This poor sap was moaning about how this bottle of water was $4.50 -- can you imagine? I know, right? It's a bargain at that price. We're only making $3.75 per bottle and what's that compared to the entertainment value? This sap was bitching that I was talking about $75 ties at one point. If I can afford $75 for a tie, I can afford a bottle of water for $4.50. Except I don't have to pay for it.

I need traffic to read my posts. If you use Digg, Stumble, whatever, send people here to read my wisdom. There is wisdom in money and that makes me very wise.

I am a shill. For $10 I will wish you a Merry Chri$tmas. That's not sacrilege, it's profiteering.

Poor Vokun. Even I am Sad.

Excuse the use of the word poor because I really dislike it. But even I, FMY, feel sorry for Vokun. It's absolutely tragic what happened and I wish Vokun all the best in recovering quickly.

Had I known in advance this was going to happen, I'd have charged a fee to watch it. Remember, you can monetize anything. ANYTHING. And violence and sex are easy. We need Vokun to win so we can sell more tickets. If we keep losing like we're doing, we'll sell less tickets, less concessions, and make less money. That makes me sad.

You know what the one constant has been in the team's slow, but steady decline? And you can look it up. Seriously. Look at the date they hired me. All downhill ever since. Why? I am Mephistopheles -- that's why..

Listening To Books

I read a lot. Well not that paper stuff. You know, the ones on tape. All that printed stuff is confusing and distracting. And when I'm listening to books, it's only on airplanes. When I'm not on airplanes, I'm too busy on my phone talking to sponsors and our valued Pillar Partners to worry about reading.

I do read one magazine. Sometimes a guy just has to go, you know what I mean. Even I won't use the phone then. I tried once. It makes the phone smell funky. So I read Money magazine. What did you expect?

Once I read a horror book called The End of Money and the Future of Civilization. Can you imagine if there was no more money? What would my purpose in life be? I wonder if Fake Steve Jobs reads. I think he does because he's always posting stuff about what he's read. I also read The Ascent of Money: A Financial History of the World.

My Bible is a work called Advertising and Integrated Brand Promotion. I live for that stuff.

They have a book called Managing Your Money For Dummies but it can't be good because I didn't write it.

Movies

Like I said, keep your eye on the prize. I watch movies too.

Wall Street
Money Train
Casino
Other People's Money
Trading Places
Brewster's Millions

I'm sure you're sensing a theme. And that's good. As we get to know each other, you'll see I'm very multi-dimensional. It's not just about the money. It's about the advertising, too. Don't worry, we'll get to that eventually.

Songs

You know, a guy needs culture. I listen to music. I thought it would be cool to list some of the music I like here. My favorite song of all time is Dire Strait's Money For Nothing. I think it's really important to keep your eye on the prize, and these songs help. It doesn't matter if you like the song, but the message of the song.

The O Jays       For The Love Of Money(used on The Apprentice)
Notorious Big    Mo Money Mo Problems
Lil' Kim         Gettin Money (Get Money remix)
Meat Loaf        Life Is My Money And I Want My Money Back
Ice Cube         Get Money Spend Money No Money
Chiodos          Bulls Make Money, Bears Make Money, Pigs Get Slaughtered
Abba             Money Money Money
Babys, The       Money
Badfinger        Money
Damned, The      You Take My Money
Daryl Hall       Money Changes Everything
Alan Jackson     Right On The Money
Beatles          Money (That's What I Want)
Charli Baltimore Money
Gamma Ray        Money
Def Squad        Get Da Money
Hanson           Money That's What I Want
Jackson Michael  Money
Nate Dogg        My Money
Girlysound       Money
Kelly R          Get This Money
Ratt             SHE WANTS MONEY
Lauper Cyndi     Money Changes Everything
Chumbawamba      Money
Pink Floyd       Money
UFO              Money, Money
Jay-Z            Get This Money
Tesla            Did It For The Money
Berry Chuck      No Money Down
Elvis Presley    Money Honey
Jamelia          Money
The beatles      You never give me your money
Pink floyd       money
Donna Summer     works hard for the money
Steve Miller     Take the money & run 
Pet Shop Boys    Lets Make lots of Money

Hockey Season Starts

I was excited when Hockey Season started. Oh, not because of hockey. I really don't even like sports. But it was a chance for me to see if our partners liked what we had done with their products.

One of the things I'm most proud of was the removal of the Hall of Fame which was right in the entranceway to section 101/134. It's a really prominent place and we were able to sell that to CompUSA.

Some of the fans were angry, but we told them the "Season Ticket Advisory" panel said they didn't like what was there. It's a laugh, because there isn't a panel. There's one guy in the suites. He's our panel. We promised the complainers they'd have a new one. But my promises to anyone who isn't a sponsor are meaningless to me. They have no value to me.

One day, I will monetize this blog. I just have to figure out how.

I've got a profile as well. I'll take suggestions, but unless there's money involved, don't expect me to take them. Remember, everything has a price, even your soul.

(As this is my first post, and I'll be working on the layout* for a while, please be patient with me.)

* Actually, Fake Intern will do this. I'm too important to worry about details.