Den of Honor

I've outdone myself. I've created the den of honor. It was all my idea. Screw the people who actually did it. It's my idea and I'll just steal the credit if I can't get it. It might have been Alice's idea but we all know I bodyslammed that bitch into oblivion.

Right now we don't have much advertising except for ADT, but I promise you all the beautiful blue blank space you see will be covered with advertising, glorious, orgasm-inducing advertising.

You know, I really should look at my future plans. One day someone will actually correllate my arrival to the Panthers organization to the downfall of the team. People tell me I am a cancer on the team, but I'm proud of it because the goal is to make money. That's what I do. Who cares if everything else gets destroyed in the process. It's all about me. And money.

I hope my pink slip comes on a sheet of paper that has advertising on the other side. It's only fitting.

PS: I don't think I like Twitter much. I can't advertise in such a small face. But more people follow me on Twitter than on this blog. 

Please follow me (the blog, twitter, live.com) and help inflate my ego even bigger than it already is.

Crushing My Spirit

I realize most people don't think I, Fake Michael Yormark, have feelings. But I do. And today, they were crushed like no other time in my life.

I was at the game, and the people behind me were discussing one of our sponsors: SaveOlogy.Com -- they were mentioning that nobody knows what they do. I don't care so much as long as people remember the advertising. That's my job.

Then what happened? The guy behind me said he always forgets by the time he gets home to look up what Saveology is! That's horrible. Who the hell does he think he is? I am FMY and I am second only to FSJ.

I was wondering if my loyal readers would buy toilet paper with advertising? As a test, I propose to produce some trial rolls with this photo:

Don't believe it can be done? Go here: http://www.printedtp.com/

Naming Rights For Incredible Ice

We're having a contest to let you win naming rights for our Incredible Ice facility.


The Prize consists of "Naming Rights" to Incredible Ice for a one year period (365 days) from the point the "Prize" is awarded. Naming Rights will consist of a In-Ice Logo on each of the three rinks, a dasherboard displayed at each rink and logo identification at the main entrance. All logos, names or other signage added must be approved by Sponsor. The Winner must pay all applicable federal, state, and local taxes. Any costs of adding and/or removing previously existing or new signage must be paid by the Winner. Sponsors may substitute a prize of equal or greater value if necessary, as determined in their sole discretion. The value of this "Prize" is $150,000 not including any cost associated with adding or removing signage.

So I couldn't find a schmuck sponsor for the Incredible Ice Facility. So, I got this idea: we'll get a bunch of business to buy four season tickets each ($5000 or more per ticket) and enter them into a drawing to win the prize. We'll hide the "no purchase necessary" clause* where nobody will see it, and leave it out of all of our in-arena ads even though that is ILLEGAL IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA because I, FMY, do not care about the law and spit in the face of anyone who gets in my way.

I've made sure it's open only to businesses. And to those who I've heard are planning to enter so they can put something bad about me, we get final say.

We're pretty clever. If you notice, the winner still has to pay to remove the old names, pay for the new names. Do you have any idea how much it costs to paint logos on the ice? And because we've valued the prize at $150,000 the winner has to pay income tax on it and sales tax on it. Damn, we're good. Don't mess around with me. I'll tell you what.

And someone's pointed out to me that there is no team branded credit card. Sadly, that's the league's responsibility and I can't fight them.



* NPN Clause: The mail-in entry must contain a 500 word original and true handwritten (not typed) essay describing why the entrant’s Business name should be on Incredible Ice despite the fact that the entrant’s Business has not supported the Florida Panthers by purchasing season tickets (the “Essay”). The most senior officer of the entrant’s Business must write and sign the Essay (and print their name and title on the Essay).  You gotta love me for this one :)

¿Cómo usted dice "Shill" en Español?

Hey, I'll shill in any language, and I don't want to leave out my Spanish speaking friends, so here goes:

JetBlue Airways la compañía aérea que ofrece a los clientes mucho más que las otras aerolíneas, se enorgullece de anunciar hoy su asociación con Sunrise Sports & Entertainment para convertirse en la compañía aérea oficial y exclusiva de los Florida Panthers de la Liga Nacional de Hockey, además de uno de los socios principales del Centro BankAtlantic. Para celebrar esta asociación y conmemorar el lanzamiento el 17 de noviembre de su 18mo. destino desde Fort Lauderdale -- San Francisco, California -- JetBlue también está ofreciendo un descuento del 18 por ciento en los pasajes comprados hoy en www.jetblue.com/bac para viajes realizados entre el 2 y el 16 de diciembre 2009, entre Fort Lauderdale y cualquiera de las 18 ciudades sin escalas que viaja la aerolínea.

STAB

STAB, the Season Ticket-holder Advisory Board. I call it STAB because, well, I'd rather get a stab in the heart than actually listen to season ticket-holders. They take time, don't do anything productive, expect things, and, honestly, they only thing they're good for is spending their money at my arena the BankAtlantic Center.

Look, shut up, pay for your tickets, and spend your money. Don't eat before the games, eat in the arena. So what if we fleece you? It helps fund improvements like adding state of the art advertising. Buy things in the gift shops -- we have them everywhere for your convenience.

And, please, make sure you don't complain that we're selling tickets at Ticketmaster for 75 cents just to fill seats, even though you're paying $75 for the same seat. I mean you guys all bitched when we gave them away so now we're charging. See? I can be reasonable and listen. You asked me to charge for them instead of giving them away, and I am.

Upkeep? We're asking the city to pay for that. That's why God put taxpayers on this Earth: to fund privately held corporations owned by billionaires and millionaires. I hope to one of those one day.

Oh, yeah, STAB. I keep making like we have one. Seems people are catching on and talking to each other. I think they've figured out it doesn't exist because there's nobody actually on it. That really is beside the point. We make a statement and say the STAB thought it was a good idea and we're listening to the fans. I mean, seriously, like I said before: who wanted that stupid Den of Honor when you can have CompUSA advertising.

New Sponsor Goodness

I get a warm feeling in my heart -- yes, I have one -- when we get a new sponsor. But this wasn't any sponsor. It was a pillar partner. That's a lot more money for me the team. We had to move fast to get RRA out of the building because guilt by association is deadly.

So we gave JetBlue a bunch of boards, some great seats, a rim light up box ad, and the whole outdoor patio in front of the building. You know, it used to be Spirit, then Saveology (I still don't know what they do but then again I have their money so I don't care. As long as it's legal. Or if it isn't they don't get caught).

I'm not sure if Spirit will want to keep shilling their Panthers MasterCard. Too bad the NHL lost the deal with MBNA, but now we get to sell space to Spirit and not give the NHL a cut. Works for me us.

It's a shame about last Friday's game with the Capitals. I mean, I don't care that we lost. I care that at least 5000 people simultaneously walked out with over six minutes left in the game. They missed some advertising, and that always hurts.

With this post, I'm going to change to an every other day posting schedule unless there's something pressing. 

Hockey Season Starts

I was excited when Hockey Season started. Oh, not because of hockey. I really don't even like sports. But it was a chance for me to see if our partners liked what we had done with their products.

One of the things I'm most proud of was the removal of the Hall of Fame which was right in the entranceway to section 101/134. It's a really prominent place and we were able to sell that to CompUSA.

Some of the fans were angry, but we told them the "Season Ticket Advisory" panel said they didn't like what was there. It's a laugh, because there isn't a panel. There's one guy in the suites. He's our panel. We promised the complainers they'd have a new one. But my promises to anyone who isn't a sponsor are meaningless to me. They have no value to me.

One day, I will monetize this blog. I just have to figure out how.

I've got a profile as well. I'll take suggestions, but unless there's money involved, don't expect me to take them. Remember, everything has a price, even your soul.

(As this is my first post, and I'll be working on the layout* for a while, please be patient with me.)

* Actually, Fake Intern will do this. I'm too important to worry about details.