Cuba Gooding Junior

Show me the money. Yeah, baby. I'm with ya' -- that's all it's ever about. Who needs standards when you have money.

Which is why I am sad the Panthers are losing.

It means less bodies in seats and that means less people seeing my advertising in my building. And it's all about me. I'm jealous of my brother Brett. So I must amass more money than he does. It's a contest. Contests are perfectly healthy outlets for aggression.  You know what else contests have? SPONSORS!

Seriously, tell me, it's not just me is it? I mean when you see the word "sponsor" or "advertising" don't you have a little orgasmic quiver inside your underpants? I can't be the only one. Can I?

Next season for $1000 you can have your name tattooed on the butt-cheek of any of our lovely ice dancers.  We do have standards and no profanity or sexual innuendo is allowed. If you buy both cheeks on the same dancer, you get a 10% discount on the second cheek. $1900 for two. CA$H only.

We also have some exciting news regarding the mascots. Remington firearms is having a shooting contest at one of the games at intermission using live ammunition. Along those lines, we're auditioning for a new mini-Stanley mascot for next season.

Also to those of you who renewed and were promised tickets to the John-Joel Face-To-Face tour later this year when it appears at the BankAtlantic center just as I promised, I want to reassure you that Billy Joel had no idea what he was talking about when he said they were not touring for the remainder of the year.  Rolling Stone magazine doesn't know shit either. They're just doing this to make me, Michael Yormark, look bad. Would you rather believe Joel or me? I thought so. Thanks for your support.

The Audacity of Chutzpah And Yormark

I am so proud of myself. Seriously. I sent the following e-mail out to the suckers season ticket holders today. I can't believe they're going to fall for it again.

Dear Rube,

I hope this letter finds you well and you are excited to support your Florida Panthers as they approach the stretch run of the 2009-10 NHL season. That said, I wanted to make you aware that your renewal campaign brochure is in the mail and this year, it includes a number of incredible and even surprising benefits.

You should be receiving the brochure sometime this weekend, or early next week, and I urge you take some time to browse through the wonderful new perks associated with returning as a Season Seat Owner for the 2010-11 season.

Additionally, if you have not received your renewal brochure by Monday, Jan. 18, I would urge you to contact your sales representative to double-check all of your contact information.

Thank you in advance for your time and continued support of this hockey club, and I look forward to welcoming you back next season. Go Panthers!

Regards,

Michael R. Yormark
President & COO
Sunrise Sports & Entertainment

So here's my angle. The season ticket holders have proven time and again that no matter how much we shit on them, they'll take it. It's standard practice in the NHL to send out notices no sooner than March. Yeah, it's only January but that's close, right? We can take their money just a little bit earlier. Why would we want to do that? It's not even the tiny bit of interest we earn on the money, but rather the fact that once we have their money they have to renew. When the team chokes in the home stretch again, they can't back out. We'll shit on them again and there's nothing they can do.

They won't remember next season, They never do. If they had any idea how bad renewals really were, they'd try and hold us hostage. They won't. They're rubes. We own them. Now we have to figure out how to trick the sponsors.

PS: Don't you all just love the new mini-Stanley?

Naming Rights For Incredible Ice

We're having a contest to let you win naming rights for our Incredible Ice facility.


The Prize consists of "Naming Rights" to Incredible Ice for a one year period (365 days) from the point the "Prize" is awarded. Naming Rights will consist of a In-Ice Logo on each of the three rinks, a dasherboard displayed at each rink and logo identification at the main entrance. All logos, names or other signage added must be approved by Sponsor. The Winner must pay all applicable federal, state, and local taxes. Any costs of adding and/or removing previously existing or new signage must be paid by the Winner. Sponsors may substitute a prize of equal or greater value if necessary, as determined in their sole discretion. The value of this "Prize" is $150,000 not including any cost associated with adding or removing signage.

So I couldn't find a schmuck sponsor for the Incredible Ice Facility. So, I got this idea: we'll get a bunch of business to buy four season tickets each ($5000 or more per ticket) and enter them into a drawing to win the prize. We'll hide the "no purchase necessary" clause* where nobody will see it, and leave it out of all of our in-arena ads even though that is ILLEGAL IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA because I, FMY, do not care about the law and spit in the face of anyone who gets in my way.

I've made sure it's open only to businesses. And to those who I've heard are planning to enter so they can put something bad about me, we get final say.

We're pretty clever. If you notice, the winner still has to pay to remove the old names, pay for the new names. Do you have any idea how much it costs to paint logos on the ice? And because we've valued the prize at $150,000 the winner has to pay income tax on it and sales tax on it. Damn, we're good. Don't mess around with me. I'll tell you what.

And someone's pointed out to me that there is no team branded credit card. Sadly, that's the league's responsibility and I can't fight them.



* NPN Clause: The mail-in entry must contain a 500 word original and true handwritten (not typed) essay describing why the entrant’s Business name should be on Incredible Ice despite the fact that the entrant’s Business has not supported the Florida Panthers by purchasing season tickets (the “Essay”). The most senior officer of the entrant’s Business must write and sign the Essay (and print their name and title on the Essay).  You gotta love me for this one :)

List of Sponsors

First, here's a list of our sponsors.

Bennett Auto Supply
Bruce Rossmeyer Harley Davidson
Lexus
Rick Case Honda
Bank Atlantic
Grant Horton
Saveology (what are they anyway?)
Comcast
Cannatelli Builders
Farache Enterprises
Tirone Electric
Andy Frain Services
RRA (oops)
Dade Paper
SFM Services
Ameriprise
AON
AvMed
BDO
Delta Dental
Consolidated Credit
Geico
Zwick & Steinberger
ADT
CompUSA
Dex Imaging
FS Florida
Mayors
MetroPCS
Office Depot
National Beverage
Southern Wine & Spirit

Second, why should you care? Well, they do pay the bills. So you should give them your business. And tell them you're there because of the Panther ads. (Both FMY and the real one agree on this.)

Now that we've got that out of the way, over the next few weeks, I'll start talking about some of the sponsors and tell you why I like them. It could be entertaining.

I also want to encourage you to write in with your ideas for future topics. My email is

FakeYormark (ät) live (döt) com

and I do read and reply to all email as you have found out. But because I am arrogant, don't expect me to be polite. I have to acknowledge the little people, but don't have to be nice to them. Please be advised that if you e-mail me, I might post it here. Fake Michael Yormark is without scruples and will share your e-mail if I see fit, especially if it ends in sselive.com; But I won't include your e-mail address. Remember that.

The Ice Dancers

I was watching our lovely Ice Dancers the other day. It was a rehearsal because I haven't been to a game since opening night. I mean it's hockey and the Panthers, so what do I care?

I was looking at them and thinking that they're pretty attractive and lots of people look at them. I mean what guy wouldn't? I was looking at their new uniforms -- and they're Panther colors this year because everyone complained they looked like hookers in the old leather ones. You can thank me later.

There's this vast expanse of blue with nothing on it. I saw a young lady waking through the concourse at a concert and she had a pair of designer jeans that said "juicy" on the back.

Now I can do math. 1+1 = MONEY!!!!

I was thinking of placing sponsored ads on the back of their pants. I can exploit their assets for a$$et$. I was thinking Charmin. They're famous for their saying "Don't Squeeze The Charmin" -- how great is that? Best. Idea. EVER. I was also thinking of something across the front.....

Do you think I should make one of the qualifications for being an ice dancer to have the name of a sponsor tattooed on your inner thigh where everyone can see it.

I'm sure that will distract everyone from the fact I hired a mascot that can't skate. I bet nobody even notices the new one can't skate.

New Sponsor Goodness

I get a warm feeling in my heart -- yes, I have one -- when we get a new sponsor. But this wasn't any sponsor. It was a pillar partner. That's a lot more money for me the team. We had to move fast to get RRA out of the building because guilt by association is deadly.

So we gave JetBlue a bunch of boards, some great seats, a rim light up box ad, and the whole outdoor patio in front of the building. You know, it used to be Spirit, then Saveology (I still don't know what they do but then again I have their money so I don't care. As long as it's legal. Or if it isn't they don't get caught).

I'm not sure if Spirit will want to keep shilling their Panthers MasterCard. Too bad the NHL lost the deal with MBNA, but now we get to sell space to Spirit and not give the NHL a cut. Works for me us.

It's a shame about last Friday's game with the Capitals. I mean, I don't care that we lost. I care that at least 5000 people simultaneously walked out with over six minutes left in the game. They missed some advertising, and that always hurts.

With this post, I'm going to change to an every other day posting schedule unless there's something pressing. 

Magic Carpet Ride

I am really pissed off. I know it's not professional to swear like that, but I'm Michael Fucking Yormark, and I can do whatever I want. If you don't believe me, just ask Alice. It's important you know what kind of person I am. Actions speak louder than words. Except when I'm mad and my words are really, really loud.

Some season-ticket-holder complained to me. The nerve! He said I should spend some money and fix the carpet? Doesn't this guy know how much money we spent last year on black duct tape to hold it down? What does he think we are? A cheap, penny-pinching, short-cut-taking organization? We're buying the duct tape out of our own money. It's not even sponsored.

However, to address the question, we are looking for a patsy someone to sponsor the carpet. The way I figure it, I'll find a rube company to pay us for the privilege of putting in the carpet. I mean, it's going to cost well into the six figures to re-carpet this place.

It's only ten years old. It doesn't look that bad....

When A Sponsor Goes Bad

This is my worst nightmare. Sometimes, a sponsor goes bankrupt. How dare they? Who cares about their jobs, their company when it's our money that suddenly stops flowing. I mean, really.

One of our sponsors, RRA, is having some trouble and a receiver has been appointed. Scott Rothstein (one of the R's) has allegedly taken all the firm's money and absconded to Morocco. Seriously. Who the Hell does he think he is? How is RRA going to pay their sponsorship to us? We're definitely going to sue. And how can they do this to me? Really. So what if they all lose their jobs? It's my money! MINE! MINE! MINE! Maybe if I get it, I'll get some more black duct tape for the carpet.

And I've found another source of revenue. Can anyone believe I didn't think of this first? The Washington Redskins are suing their season ticket holders who haven't paid even though they have no jobs and no source of income.

Of course now he's back from Morocco. I'm sure he's deposited a large sum of money in a bank there, which the authorities will find after he gives it up as part of a please deal. Unbeknownst to them, in a second bank, which the authorities will not find, he's deposited a much larger sum of money.

I better get a cut.

SSE and Me

Sunrise Sports & Entertainment announced today that that we'll make a major partnership announcement involving the Florida Panthers and the BankAtlantic Center at a noon press conference on Friday, 6 November on the arena’s outdoor plaza. I encourage you to come out and support our sponsors.

Following the press conference, top-40 rock band Cobra Starship will perform a free public concert courtesy of Y100. This was a trade. They get publicity and we get something without paying. I'm a big fan of not paying.

The press conference and concert will take place after the Panthers morning skate but before the Friday night matchup with the Capitals, and will feature me, SSE President & COO, yours truly, Michael Yormark. Head Coach Pete DeBoer and other luminaries will be there too.

In addition, photo opportunities will be available with the attendees, as well as the Panthers Ice Dancers, Stanley C. Panther and even with a rendering of a new permanent structure to be positioned on the BankAtlantic Center’s outdoor plaza. You will be surprised at what we're doing. Really. I wanted the permanent structure to be a statue of me, but I couldn't get anyone to sponsor it, and damned if I'm paying for it myself. That's just wrong.

See, the word Money didn't appear once. So stop the viscous comments that everything I post is about Money.

If you want to read about the Real Michael Yormark, please see the articles that follow. This blog, as a reminder, is satire and parody. 

1. Pimp My Arena (2006): This article is old but is listed for sake of completeness and showing him as he is.
2. Newsweek (2007): This is an article about him and his twin brother who runs the NBA Nets.
3. New Times (2007): Scroll down half-way for the famous Body-Slamming Alice piece. Fake Michael Yormark is deeply shamed by this, but the real one is, sadly, apparently proud and silent.
4. New Times (2007): A former clearly disgruntled employee vents off in a letter to the editor under 'Mister Ugly'
5. New TImes (2006): A letter from when they tried to charge people to park at the mall