The Audacity of Chutzpah And Yormark

I am so proud of myself. Seriously. I sent the following e-mail out to the suckers season ticket holders today. I can't believe they're going to fall for it again.

Dear Rube,

I hope this letter finds you well and you are excited to support your Florida Panthers as they approach the stretch run of the 2009-10 NHL season. That said, I wanted to make you aware that your renewal campaign brochure is in the mail and this year, it includes a number of incredible and even surprising benefits.

You should be receiving the brochure sometime this weekend, or early next week, and I urge you take some time to browse through the wonderful new perks associated with returning as a Season Seat Owner for the 2010-11 season.

Additionally, if you have not received your renewal brochure by Monday, Jan. 18, I would urge you to contact your sales representative to double-check all of your contact information.

Thank you in advance for your time and continued support of this hockey club, and I look forward to welcoming you back next season. Go Panthers!

Regards,

Michael R. Yormark
President & COO
Sunrise Sports & Entertainment

So here's my angle. The season ticket holders have proven time and again that no matter how much we shit on them, they'll take it. It's standard practice in the NHL to send out notices no sooner than March. Yeah, it's only January but that's close, right? We can take their money just a little bit earlier. Why would we want to do that? It's not even the tiny bit of interest we earn on the money, but rather the fact that once we have their money they have to renew. When the team chokes in the home stretch again, they can't back out. We'll shit on them again and there's nothing they can do.

They won't remember next season, They never do. If they had any idea how bad renewals really were, they'd try and hold us hostage. They won't. They're rubes. We own them. Now we have to figure out how to trick the sponsors.

PS: Don't you all just love the new mini-Stanley?

The New Owners

Wow, this one really blindsided me. Fortunately, I've already brainwashed talked to the new owners and my job is secure. I've promised them loads of income. I am going to miss Cohen. He was such a pushover and I could do whatever I want. He believed everything I said. What a patsy. The new owners will require more work, but I assure you that I, FMY, am on the case.

The new Chairman Cliff Viner and CEO Stu Siegel will spend the pregame on the BankAtlantic Center’s main plaza level, ushering in an era of accessibility for fans, media, and partners that will also include regular town hall meetings, hosting fans and business prospects in the owner’s suite, e-mail messages, blogs, suite visits, and more. My job is to figure out how to monetize it. Or as my fans say, "whore it up" -- though I'm not sure why the ice dancers are involved.

I am worried fans will complain bitterly about the advertising, but I hope they don't. It only hurts the sponsors and we love our sponsors. Or at least their money.