Cuba Gooding Junior

Show me the money. Yeah, baby. I'm with ya' -- that's all it's ever about. Who needs standards when you have money.

Which is why I am sad the Panthers are losing.

It means less bodies in seats and that means less people seeing my advertising in my building. And it's all about me. I'm jealous of my brother Brett. So I must amass more money than he does. It's a contest. Contests are perfectly healthy outlets for aggression.  You know what else contests have? SPONSORS!

Seriously, tell me, it's not just me is it? I mean when you see the word "sponsor" or "advertising" don't you have a little orgasmic quiver inside your underpants? I can't be the only one. Can I?

Next season for $1000 you can have your name tattooed on the butt-cheek of any of our lovely ice dancers.  We do have standards and no profanity or sexual innuendo is allowed. If you buy both cheeks on the same dancer, you get a 10% discount on the second cheek. $1900 for two. CA$H only.

We also have some exciting news regarding the mascots. Remington firearms is having a shooting contest at one of the games at intermission using live ammunition. Along those lines, we're auditioning for a new mini-Stanley mascot for next season.

Also to those of you who renewed and were promised tickets to the John-Joel Face-To-Face tour later this year when it appears at the BankAtlantic center just as I promised, I want to reassure you that Billy Joel had no idea what he was talking about when he said they were not touring for the remainder of the year.  Rolling Stone magazine doesn't know shit either. They're just doing this to make me, Michael Yormark, look bad. Would you rather believe Joel or me? I thought so. Thanks for your support.

Den of Honor

I've outdone myself. I've created the den of honor. It was all my idea. Screw the people who actually did it. It's my idea and I'll just steal the credit if I can't get it. It might have been Alice's idea but we all know I bodyslammed that bitch into oblivion.

Right now we don't have much advertising except for ADT, but I promise you all the beautiful blue blank space you see will be covered with advertising, glorious, orgasm-inducing advertising.

You know, I really should look at my future plans. One day someone will actually correllate my arrival to the Panthers organization to the downfall of the team. People tell me I am a cancer on the team, but I'm proud of it because the goal is to make money. That's what I do. Who cares if everything else gets destroyed in the process. It's all about me. And money.

I hope my pink slip comes on a sheet of paper that has advertising on the other side. It's only fitting.

PS: I don't think I like Twitter much. I can't advertise in such a small face. But more people follow me on Twitter than on this blog. 

Please follow me (the blog, twitter, live.com) and help inflate my ego even bigger than it already is.

I'm back from my Hiatus

Fake Steve Jobs and I, Fake Michael Yormark, are about get into a pissing match. One of my favorite words is "monetize" because I have monetized everything I can: from urinals, to walls, to the right ass-cheeks of all my slaves staff. I don't give a shit that Google is switching to Macs, but they are. FSJ mentions it in today's post, and it is a true story unlike half the crap he posts.

It's this quote of his I take exception to: "Google gives you the same stuff and all they ask for is, um, permission to totally invade your privacy and to monetize (God I hate that word) your personal information." How the fuck can you hate that word? I live to monetize. I dream about money, and if I could I'd have sex with money. That's how much I love it. You might want to wash any money I give you especially carefully now that I think of it.

The Audacity of Chutzpah And Yormark

I am so proud of myself. Seriously. I sent the following e-mail out to the suckers season ticket holders today. I can't believe they're going to fall for it again.

Dear Rube,

I hope this letter finds you well and you are excited to support your Florida Panthers as they approach the stretch run of the 2009-10 NHL season. That said, I wanted to make you aware that your renewal campaign brochure is in the mail and this year, it includes a number of incredible and even surprising benefits.

You should be receiving the brochure sometime this weekend, or early next week, and I urge you take some time to browse through the wonderful new perks associated with returning as a Season Seat Owner for the 2010-11 season.

Additionally, if you have not received your renewal brochure by Monday, Jan. 18, I would urge you to contact your sales representative to double-check all of your contact information.

Thank you in advance for your time and continued support of this hockey club, and I look forward to welcoming you back next season. Go Panthers!

Regards,

Michael R. Yormark
President & COO
Sunrise Sports & Entertainment

So here's my angle. The season ticket holders have proven time and again that no matter how much we shit on them, they'll take it. It's standard practice in the NHL to send out notices no sooner than March. Yeah, it's only January but that's close, right? We can take their money just a little bit earlier. Why would we want to do that? It's not even the tiny bit of interest we earn on the money, but rather the fact that once we have their money they have to renew. When the team chokes in the home stretch again, they can't back out. We'll shit on them again and there's nothing they can do.

They won't remember next season, They never do. If they had any idea how bad renewals really were, they'd try and hold us hostage. They won't. They're rubes. We own them. Now we have to figure out how to trick the sponsors.

PS: Don't you all just love the new mini-Stanley?

My Twentieth Post

Twenty is a good number because it represents the $20 bill and everyone loves money, especially Fake Michael Yormark.

I wish to remind everyone to visit my profile on Windows Live and suggest books, films, music, and anything else about money for my 'favorite things' section. I am a money grubbing fool and anything you can do to help me is appreciated. I will accept friend requests from anyone, even $pammers because it's all about the money!

I heard some fan bitching at the last game. Okay, I heard lots of fans bitching, but I don't care if they're happy or not. I've already got their money if they're in my our building. This poor sap was moaning about how this bottle of water was $4.50 -- can you imagine? I know, right? It's a bargain at that price. We're only making $3.75 per bottle and what's that compared to the entertainment value? This sap was bitching that I was talking about $75 ties at one point. If I can afford $75 for a tie, I can afford a bottle of water for $4.50. Except I don't have to pay for it.

I need traffic to read my posts. If you use Digg, Stumble, whatever, send people here to read my wisdom. There is wisdom in money and that makes me very wise.

I am a shill. For $10 I will wish you a Merry Chri$tmas. That's not sacrilege, it's profiteering.

Crushing My Spirit

I realize most people don't think I, Fake Michael Yormark, have feelings. But I do. And today, they were crushed like no other time in my life.

I was at the game, and the people behind me were discussing one of our sponsors: SaveOlogy.Com -- they were mentioning that nobody knows what they do. I don't care so much as long as people remember the advertising. That's my job.

Then what happened? The guy behind me said he always forgets by the time he gets home to look up what Saveology is! That's horrible. Who the hell does he think he is? I am FMY and I am second only to FSJ.

I was wondering if my loyal readers would buy toilet paper with advertising? As a test, I propose to produce some trial rolls with this photo:

Don't believe it can be done? Go here: http://www.printedtp.com/

Naming Rights For Incredible Ice

We're having a contest to let you win naming rights for our Incredible Ice facility.


The Prize consists of "Naming Rights" to Incredible Ice for a one year period (365 days) from the point the "Prize" is awarded. Naming Rights will consist of a In-Ice Logo on each of the three rinks, a dasherboard displayed at each rink and logo identification at the main entrance. All logos, names or other signage added must be approved by Sponsor. The Winner must pay all applicable federal, state, and local taxes. Any costs of adding and/or removing previously existing or new signage must be paid by the Winner. Sponsors may substitute a prize of equal or greater value if necessary, as determined in their sole discretion. The value of this "Prize" is $150,000 not including any cost associated with adding or removing signage.

So I couldn't find a schmuck sponsor for the Incredible Ice Facility. So, I got this idea: we'll get a bunch of business to buy four season tickets each ($5000 or more per ticket) and enter them into a drawing to win the prize. We'll hide the "no purchase necessary" clause* where nobody will see it, and leave it out of all of our in-arena ads even though that is ILLEGAL IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA because I, FMY, do not care about the law and spit in the face of anyone who gets in my way.

I've made sure it's open only to businesses. And to those who I've heard are planning to enter so they can put something bad about me, we get final say.

We're pretty clever. If you notice, the winner still has to pay to remove the old names, pay for the new names. Do you have any idea how much it costs to paint logos on the ice? And because we've valued the prize at $150,000 the winner has to pay income tax on it and sales tax on it. Damn, we're good. Don't mess around with me. I'll tell you what.

And someone's pointed out to me that there is no team branded credit card. Sadly, that's the league's responsibility and I can't fight them.



* NPN Clause: The mail-in entry must contain a 500 word original and true handwritten (not typed) essay describing why the entrant’s Business name should be on Incredible Ice despite the fact that the entrant’s Business has not supported the Florida Panthers by purchasing season tickets (the “Essay”). The most senior officer of the entrant’s Business must write and sign the Essay (and print their name and title on the Essay).  You gotta love me for this one :)

A Moment In History

Yeah, today both RMY and FMY both agreed on something.

RMY said in a Tweet earlier today, "Tough loss last night. Unacceptable! Need to win games at home! Fans need to leave the Bankatlantic center as WINNERS! Day of rest today."

FMY would like to concur that this is complete unacceptable. As such, I throw my hat in with RMY. Losing means less people at the games, and you've seen it lately. Less people at the games means less money at both the conce$$ion $tand$ and at the box office. And ultimately it means less eyeballs viewing my our sponsors' advertising.

I do wish to point out that RMY doesn't care if we win on the road or not, just at home. And I also wish to point out that RMY can't even get the sponsor's name right. "BankAtlantic Center" is proper. Even FMY can get the name of the pillarmost pillar partner. Is pillarmost a word?

I'd suggest retiring the third jersey because it's clearly bad luck, but we need the money more than our pride. At least I do. I'm not sure about the team. Nobody has seen them in weeks.

Poor Vokun. Even I am Sad.

Excuse the use of the word poor because I really dislike it. But even I, FMY, feel sorry for Vokun. It's absolutely tragic what happened and I wish Vokun all the best in recovering quickly.

Had I known in advance this was going to happen, I'd have charged a fee to watch it. Remember, you can monetize anything. ANYTHING. And violence and sex are easy. We need Vokun to win so we can sell more tickets. If we keep losing like we're doing, we'll sell less tickets, less concessions, and make less money. That makes me sad.

You know what the one constant has been in the team's slow, but steady decline? And you can look it up. Seriously. Look at the date they hired me. All downhill ever since. Why? I am Mephistopheles -- that's why..

Happy Black Friday

Today should be a National Holiday. Black Friday rocks. The thing is, you can buy anything on this day. Everything is crowded even when the economy is bad. I am trying to figure out what sort of scheme idea to use at the arena to celebrate this day. The sounds of ringing ca$h regi$ter$ makes my cold heart warm up inside. Just like the Grinch who stole Christmas. Only I'd never steal it. I might sell it, but never steal it.

We have a game Black Friday and we try not to schedule things on this day. We already sell arena parking space to people shopping. We've been doing that for years. I mean does anyone really care if the fans are inconvenienced? Of course not. They've paid up front. Silly fools.

Ah, well, back to the think tank for me. I have to shill away because I don't want to lose my job. The new owners must remain impressed.

The New Owners

Wow, this one really blindsided me. Fortunately, I've already brainwashed talked to the new owners and my job is secure. I've promised them loads of income. I am going to miss Cohen. He was such a pushover and I could do whatever I want. He believed everything I said. What a patsy. The new owners will require more work, but I assure you that I, FMY, am on the case.

The new Chairman Cliff Viner and CEO Stu Siegel will spend the pregame on the BankAtlantic Center’s main plaza level, ushering in an era of accessibility for fans, media, and partners that will also include regular town hall meetings, hosting fans and business prospects in the owner’s suite, e-mail messages, blogs, suite visits, and more. My job is to figure out how to monetize it. Or as my fans say, "whore it up" -- though I'm not sure why the ice dancers are involved.

I am worried fans will complain bitterly about the advertising, but I hope they don't. It only hurts the sponsors and we love our sponsors. Or at least their money.

A quick Note....

I have decided to Twitter a bit more -- you'll see that has increased. Should I make a FaceBook account? Do you loyal minions want that? I realize they aren't money makers, but they generate publicity and that ultimately does lead to more revenue.

Also, I was asked where Fake Steve Jobs could be found. My twin fake brother moved here. He's got more money than me. But one day we shall fix that. Just wait until this thing starts generating revenue as soon as we figure out how.

¿Cómo usted dice "Shill" en Español?

Hey, I'll shill in any language, and I don't want to leave out my Spanish speaking friends, so here goes:

JetBlue Airways la compañía aérea que ofrece a los clientes mucho más que las otras aerolíneas, se enorgullece de anunciar hoy su asociación con Sunrise Sports & Entertainment para convertirse en la compañía aérea oficial y exclusiva de los Florida Panthers de la Liga Nacional de Hockey, además de uno de los socios principales del Centro BankAtlantic. Para celebrar esta asociación y conmemorar el lanzamiento el 17 de noviembre de su 18mo. destino desde Fort Lauderdale -- San Francisco, California -- JetBlue también está ofreciendo un descuento del 18 por ciento en los pasajes comprados hoy en www.jetblue.com/bac para viajes realizados entre el 2 y el 16 de diciembre 2009, entre Fort Lauderdale y cualquiera de las 18 ciudades sin escalas que viaja la aerolínea.

Listening To Books

I read a lot. Well not that paper stuff. You know, the ones on tape. All that printed stuff is confusing and distracting. And when I'm listening to books, it's only on airplanes. When I'm not on airplanes, I'm too busy on my phone talking to sponsors and our valued Pillar Partners to worry about reading.

I do read one magazine. Sometimes a guy just has to go, you know what I mean. Even I won't use the phone then. I tried once. It makes the phone smell funky. So I read Money magazine. What did you expect?

Once I read a horror book called The End of Money and the Future of Civilization. Can you imagine if there was no more money? What would my purpose in life be? I wonder if Fake Steve Jobs reads. I think he does because he's always posting stuff about what he's read. I also read The Ascent of Money: A Financial History of the World.

My Bible is a work called Advertising and Integrated Brand Promotion. I live for that stuff.

They have a book called Managing Your Money For Dummies but it can't be good because I didn't write it.

List of Sponsors

First, here's a list of our sponsors.

Bennett Auto Supply
Bruce Rossmeyer Harley Davidson
Lexus
Rick Case Honda
Bank Atlantic
Grant Horton
Saveology (what are they anyway?)
Comcast
Cannatelli Builders
Farache Enterprises
Tirone Electric
Andy Frain Services
RRA (oops)
Dade Paper
SFM Services
Ameriprise
AON
AvMed
BDO
Delta Dental
Consolidated Credit
Geico
Zwick & Steinberger
ADT
CompUSA
Dex Imaging
FS Florida
Mayors
MetroPCS
Office Depot
National Beverage
Southern Wine & Spirit

Second, why should you care? Well, they do pay the bills. So you should give them your business. And tell them you're there because of the Panther ads. (Both FMY and the real one agree on this.)

Now that we've got that out of the way, over the next few weeks, I'll start talking about some of the sponsors and tell you why I like them. It could be entertaining.

I also want to encourage you to write in with your ideas for future topics. My email is

FakeYormark (ät) live (döt) com

and I do read and reply to all email as you have found out. But because I am arrogant, don't expect me to be polite. I have to acknowledge the little people, but don't have to be nice to them. Please be advised that if you e-mail me, I might post it here. Fake Michael Yormark is without scruples and will share your e-mail if I see fit, especially if it ends in sselive.com; But I won't include your e-mail address. Remember that.

The Ice Dancers

I was watching our lovely Ice Dancers the other day. It was a rehearsal because I haven't been to a game since opening night. I mean it's hockey and the Panthers, so what do I care?

I was looking at them and thinking that they're pretty attractive and lots of people look at them. I mean what guy wouldn't? I was looking at their new uniforms -- and they're Panther colors this year because everyone complained they looked like hookers in the old leather ones. You can thank me later.

There's this vast expanse of blue with nothing on it. I saw a young lady waking through the concourse at a concert and she had a pair of designer jeans that said "juicy" on the back.

Now I can do math. 1+1 = MONEY!!!!

I was thinking of placing sponsored ads on the back of their pants. I can exploit their assets for a$$et$. I was thinking Charmin. They're famous for their saying "Don't Squeeze The Charmin" -- how great is that? Best. Idea. EVER. I was also thinking of something across the front.....

Do you think I should make one of the qualifications for being an ice dancer to have the name of a sponsor tattooed on your inner thigh where everyone can see it.

I'm sure that will distract everyone from the fact I hired a mascot that can't skate. I bet nobody even notices the new one can't skate.

STAB

STAB, the Season Ticket-holder Advisory Board. I call it STAB because, well, I'd rather get a stab in the heart than actually listen to season ticket-holders. They take time, don't do anything productive, expect things, and, honestly, they only thing they're good for is spending their money at my arena the BankAtlantic Center.

Look, shut up, pay for your tickets, and spend your money. Don't eat before the games, eat in the arena. So what if we fleece you? It helps fund improvements like adding state of the art advertising. Buy things in the gift shops -- we have them everywhere for your convenience.

And, please, make sure you don't complain that we're selling tickets at Ticketmaster for 75 cents just to fill seats, even though you're paying $75 for the same seat. I mean you guys all bitched when we gave them away so now we're charging. See? I can be reasonable and listen. You asked me to charge for them instead of giving them away, and I am.

Upkeep? We're asking the city to pay for that. That's why God put taxpayers on this Earth: to fund privately held corporations owned by billionaires and millionaires. I hope to one of those one day.

Oh, yeah, STAB. I keep making like we have one. Seems people are catching on and talking to each other. I think they've figured out it doesn't exist because there's nobody actually on it. That really is beside the point. We make a statement and say the STAB thought it was a good idea and we're listening to the fans. I mean, seriously, like I said before: who wanted that stupid Den of Honor when you can have CompUSA advertising.

New Sponsor Goodness

I get a warm feeling in my heart -- yes, I have one -- when we get a new sponsor. But this wasn't any sponsor. It was a pillar partner. That's a lot more money for me the team. We had to move fast to get RRA out of the building because guilt by association is deadly.

So we gave JetBlue a bunch of boards, some great seats, a rim light up box ad, and the whole outdoor patio in front of the building. You know, it used to be Spirit, then Saveology (I still don't know what they do but then again I have their money so I don't care. As long as it's legal. Or if it isn't they don't get caught).

I'm not sure if Spirit will want to keep shilling their Panthers MasterCard. Too bad the NHL lost the deal with MBNA, but now we get to sell space to Spirit and not give the NHL a cut. Works for me us.

It's a shame about last Friday's game with the Capitals. I mean, I don't care that we lost. I care that at least 5000 people simultaneously walked out with over six minutes left in the game. They missed some advertising, and that always hurts.

With this post, I'm going to change to an every other day posting schedule unless there's something pressing. 

Magic Carpet Ride

I am really pissed off. I know it's not professional to swear like that, but I'm Michael Fucking Yormark, and I can do whatever I want. If you don't believe me, just ask Alice. It's important you know what kind of person I am. Actions speak louder than words. Except when I'm mad and my words are really, really loud.

Some season-ticket-holder complained to me. The nerve! He said I should spend some money and fix the carpet? Doesn't this guy know how much money we spent last year on black duct tape to hold it down? What does he think we are? A cheap, penny-pinching, short-cut-taking organization? We're buying the duct tape out of our own money. It's not even sponsored.

However, to address the question, we are looking for a patsy someone to sponsor the carpet. The way I figure it, I'll find a rube company to pay us for the privilege of putting in the carpet. I mean, it's going to cost well into the six figures to re-carpet this place.

It's only ten years old. It doesn't look that bad....

When A Sponsor Goes Bad

This is my worst nightmare. Sometimes, a sponsor goes bankrupt. How dare they? Who cares about their jobs, their company when it's our money that suddenly stops flowing. I mean, really.

One of our sponsors, RRA, is having some trouble and a receiver has been appointed. Scott Rothstein (one of the R's) has allegedly taken all the firm's money and absconded to Morocco. Seriously. Who the Hell does he think he is? How is RRA going to pay their sponsorship to us? We're definitely going to sue. And how can they do this to me? Really. So what if they all lose their jobs? It's my money! MINE! MINE! MINE! Maybe if I get it, I'll get some more black duct tape for the carpet.

And I've found another source of revenue. Can anyone believe I didn't think of this first? The Washington Redskins are suing their season ticket holders who haven't paid even though they have no jobs and no source of income.

Of course now he's back from Morocco. I'm sure he's deposited a large sum of money in a bank there, which the authorities will find after he gives it up as part of a please deal. Unbeknownst to them, in a second bank, which the authorities will not find, he's deposited a much larger sum of money.

I better get a cut.

SSE and Me

Sunrise Sports & Entertainment announced today that that we'll make a major partnership announcement involving the Florida Panthers and the BankAtlantic Center at a noon press conference on Friday, 6 November on the arena’s outdoor plaza. I encourage you to come out and support our sponsors.

Following the press conference, top-40 rock band Cobra Starship will perform a free public concert courtesy of Y100. This was a trade. They get publicity and we get something without paying. I'm a big fan of not paying.

The press conference and concert will take place after the Panthers morning skate but before the Friday night matchup with the Capitals, and will feature me, SSE President & COO, yours truly, Michael Yormark. Head Coach Pete DeBoer and other luminaries will be there too.

In addition, photo opportunities will be available with the attendees, as well as the Panthers Ice Dancers, Stanley C. Panther and even with a rendering of a new permanent structure to be positioned on the BankAtlantic Center’s outdoor plaza. You will be surprised at what we're doing. Really. I wanted the permanent structure to be a statue of me, but I couldn't get anyone to sponsor it, and damned if I'm paying for it myself. That's just wrong.

See, the word Money didn't appear once. So stop the viscous comments that everything I post is about Money.

If you want to read about the Real Michael Yormark, please see the articles that follow. This blog, as a reminder, is satire and parody. 

1. Pimp My Arena (2006): This article is old but is listed for sake of completeness and showing him as he is.
2. Newsweek (2007): This is an article about him and his twin brother who runs the NBA Nets.
3. New Times (2007): Scroll down half-way for the famous Body-Slamming Alice piece. Fake Michael Yormark is deeply shamed by this, but the real one is, sadly, apparently proud and silent.
4. New Times (2007): A former clearly disgruntled employee vents off in a letter to the editor under 'Mister Ugly'
5. New TImes (2006): A letter from when they tried to charge people to park at the mall

Movies

Like I said, keep your eye on the prize. I watch movies too.

Wall Street
Money Train
Casino
Other People's Money
Trading Places
Brewster's Millions

I'm sure you're sensing a theme. And that's good. As we get to know each other, you'll see I'm very multi-dimensional. It's not just about the money. It's about the advertising, too. Don't worry, we'll get to that eventually.

Songs

You know, a guy needs culture. I listen to music. I thought it would be cool to list some of the music I like here. My favorite song of all time is Dire Strait's Money For Nothing. I think it's really important to keep your eye on the prize, and these songs help. It doesn't matter if you like the song, but the message of the song.

The O Jays       For The Love Of Money(used on The Apprentice)
Notorious Big    Mo Money Mo Problems
Lil' Kim         Gettin Money (Get Money remix)
Meat Loaf        Life Is My Money And I Want My Money Back
Ice Cube         Get Money Spend Money No Money
Chiodos          Bulls Make Money, Bears Make Money, Pigs Get Slaughtered
Abba             Money Money Money
Babys, The       Money
Badfinger        Money
Damned, The      You Take My Money
Daryl Hall       Money Changes Everything
Alan Jackson     Right On The Money
Beatles          Money (That's What I Want)
Charli Baltimore Money
Gamma Ray        Money
Def Squad        Get Da Money
Hanson           Money That's What I Want
Jackson Michael  Money
Nate Dogg        My Money
Girlysound       Money
Kelly R          Get This Money
Ratt             SHE WANTS MONEY
Lauper Cyndi     Money Changes Everything
Chumbawamba      Money
Pink Floyd       Money
UFO              Money, Money
Jay-Z            Get This Money
Tesla            Did It For The Money
Berry Chuck      No Money Down
Elvis Presley    Money Honey
Jamelia          Money
The beatles      You never give me your money
Pink floyd       money
Donna Summer     works hard for the money
Steve Miller     Take the money & run 
Pet Shop Boys    Lets Make lots of Money

Hockey Season Starts

I was excited when Hockey Season started. Oh, not because of hockey. I really don't even like sports. But it was a chance for me to see if our partners liked what we had done with their products.

One of the things I'm most proud of was the removal of the Hall of Fame which was right in the entranceway to section 101/134. It's a really prominent place and we were able to sell that to CompUSA.

Some of the fans were angry, but we told them the "Season Ticket Advisory" panel said they didn't like what was there. It's a laugh, because there isn't a panel. There's one guy in the suites. He's our panel. We promised the complainers they'd have a new one. But my promises to anyone who isn't a sponsor are meaningless to me. They have no value to me.

One day, I will monetize this blog. I just have to figure out how.

I've got a profile as well. I'll take suggestions, but unless there's money involved, don't expect me to take them. Remember, everything has a price, even your soul.

(As this is my first post, and I'll be working on the layout* for a while, please be patient with me.)

* Actually, Fake Intern will do this. I'm too important to worry about details.